It's a strange, but increasingly common, phenomena happening with both married and single people. It's called "commitment-phobia" and it can ruin even the best of relationships. What causes it? How can you prevent it? How can even married people suffer from it? These tips will help you sort it all out.

You've heard the stories, or perhaps been through the experience, or having a relationship end that had a great deal of potential or even satisfaction. For some reason, you, or the person you were with, just couldn't hold on to keep the relationship going so it could continue to flower and grow in a healthy way. Instead, one or both of you ran away. Maybe someone left the relationship completely. Or maybe someone stayed but kept the distance through affairs, work, television, or a variety of other methods. Whatever the reason, one of both of you demonstrated a lack of commitment towards making sure the investment of time and energy into your relationship paid off. In the 90's a phrase was coined to describe this phenomena. It was called "commitment-phobia" and ironically even people who have been married 50 years or more can suffer from it. How can this be?

First, you need to understand that only since the cultural revolution of the 1960's has marriage no longer been viewed as a path towards greater freedom in society. For thousands of years prior to this, those who were not married were shunned by society. Having children out of wedlock, remaining single into the 30's and beyond, ending a marriage in divorce were all taboo and viewed as a sign that one had failed in life. For this reason marriage was the safest route towards personal contentment even if the marriage was far less than one hoped for. This is why people remained committed to the institution of marriage even if they were not totally satisfied with the person they were with. The alternative of getting divorced or being single was worse, so they simply adapted to a difficult marriage through the various distancing methods listed in the paragraph above.

Second, since the 60's many of these societal stigmas have been removed. Men and women learned their personal needs could be met by remaining single or going through a series of short-term serial relationships. They started entering relationships with the goal of staying in them only as long as they allowed for personal satisfaction and freedom. If these were impinged upon, the relationship ended and a new one would begin. Typically the end happened right when the infatuation, romance, and fantasy stages of the relationship wore off and the inevitable difficulties of any real relationship emerged. Unwilling to do what was required to help the relationship last, no matter how many rewarding elements existed once the surface romance stage wore out, the lessons of real relating were never learned. Thus "commitment-phobia" was born.

Third, today this means a new definition of commitment needs to emerge. It is no longer enough to be committed to the institution of marriage or to one's own personal happiness. Instead, in her book The Truth About Love, Pat Love states that a commitment in our time means both individuals commit to the well-being and long term satisfaction of the relationship itself. This requires that both parties value what a loving, conscious and connected relationship can bring them. They are realistic knowing their relationship will have cycles when they feel more and less connected to each other. When feeling less connected each member is committed to doing what it takes to deepen communication, trust, passion, and intimacy. The relationship is a priority over all other priorities. They still remain individuals seeking their own happiness, but that happiness is grounded in the well-being of the relationship as well. Both must be adjusted to the other.

Until this shift occurs commitment phobia is likely to remain because it is based in a fear of the institution of marriage or in the loss of personal freedom and satisfaction in any relationship. No relationship can survive and be satisfying under these conditions. Only when both parties view committed relationships as a source of satisfaction because they help us improve our capacity to relate to another human being on a deep level will commitment-phobia end. Then, each individual will invest in learning what it takes to have a lasting love between them. May you find this in your own life as well.

To your success!
Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love is the best-selling author of Beyond the Secret: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction, Attracting Real Love: Five Simple Steps for Getting the Love You Want, and Thrive Not Survive!: 20 Steps for Attracting Joy and Abundance in Difficult Times. A Life, Relationship, and Law of Attraction coach with decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with her extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds helps her clients make shifts in a rapid way. Visit her web site www.doctorlisalove.com for information on her books and coaching and to receive free Ecourse and audio gifts and to sign up for her newsletter.